Stuck on you.

I’m sure your car will be unmanned in the event of the rapture. It will also be unmanned when I yank you through the window and kick your ass. Turn your blinker off, get out of the fast lane, and head back to Hooterville. Fucking hick.

You’re secure in your salvation. How nice for you. I’m sure Jesus is very proud. In fact, I bet there’s nothing he likes better than a promotional bumper sticker slapped on the back of a showstopper like yours. It’s inspirational. Truly. And what better way to express your faith? Nothing says saved like a stupid bumper sticker on a piece of shit.

Seriously. Ask yourself, “What would Jesus drive?” I really doubt it would be a rusted-out, beat up, smoking Dodge Dart with a Jesus is my Co-pilot sticker slapped between an American flag and Dale Earnhardt, Jr. I’m not that close to Jesus, but I’m guessing his car wouldn’t have a spit stain on the fucking door, you toothless, non-driving redneck. Now get out of the fucking way.

Should you make it home today, give thanks. Put the Dart back up on blocks and give thanks for another day.

If I don’t kill you, it’ll be a fucking miracle.

About the Author: Jon Carter Jackson

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